Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed š
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I really regret not asking ālike a cupcakeā when you asked me to eat your ass
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
