If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
