I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Dignity is for republicans.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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