i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
