I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
