your parents love me but you hate me
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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