so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
