I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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