if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
