Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
