i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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