Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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