if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
