The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
