Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
