also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
