I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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