At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
