Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Bring me that man meat
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
