This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
