I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
