she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
