you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
