my mouth tastes like poor choices
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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