Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
