As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
