NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
