I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
