Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
