One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
