I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
