A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
