Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You left your phone here
Wait...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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