she woke up with a sticky ear
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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