I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
