It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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