I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
