Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
