I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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