This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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