good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
