It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
