I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You were trust falling into bushes
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
