Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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