That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
