I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
