if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
