Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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