Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
