i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
