once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
